:: Thoughts of a True Thinker...I Think ::

:: Tuesday, October 04, 2005 ::

Hey everyone, I seem to have forgotten I have a blog. Well, I have been very busy with work and my girlfriend and my family and her's. My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months this past Sunday and she is definitely the one. No, I haven't asked her yet, but its just a matter of time. Rings are expensive. We have gone on a few trips, to Mardi Gras, to L.A. for a weekend to see Wyatt get married, to Chincoteague VA and camping. We only have had one fight so far, and it was about work. And yes, I still work with mentally challenged adult men. Two years in two weeks. I so need to find out what to do with my life and find a job I like. At least I finally found someone to share my life with and that has been an incredible blessing. I love her soooo much. She is my angel. Well, gotta go. Sooo busy. I miss you all. I hope to call and catch up with you all. God bless.
:: freak 9:41 PM [+] ::
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Again, its been pretty busy around here. Still working 65+ hours over 5 days each week and spending all my free time with my beautiful angel. Today is our 6 week anniversary. Things are going great. No fights so far. We get along great. We've been spending lots of time with her family and mine. We had dinner with my sister and bro-in-law Sunday after church and some disc golf(her first time seeing the game). We had dinner with her parents Tuesday night, her dad treated us to a great new steak house. For our one month anniversary, she bought me a portable disc golf basket to practice my putts anywhere I want. She's so fantastic.

Here's a little of what's been going on that has been rough, but we got through it. She found a lump on her breast about a month ago, so she went to the doctor, he said it was a cyst but she should get an ultrasound to make sure. The ultrasound came back that it was not a cyst, but a tumor. The surgeon said he was pretty sure it was benign, but it should come out anyway. So I took her for a biopsy and they removed the whole lump and found out is was in fact benign, thank you God so much. It was rough since her grandmother died of breast cancer at a very young age, like 30 or around there, but we prayed and I comforted her to the best I could and we got through. I thank God for blessing my life by putting her in it everyday. I wish all of you out there could meet her and I know some of you will get to meet her at some point.

Some that might clarify why its been a little busier around here than normal. I'm doing great. I've never been happier in all my life. I love going to church with her, because it feels great to spend time every Sunday worshipping our heavenly Father together. God has helped me through so much pain and disappointment, but that pain and disappointment along with the overwhelming love of God has gotten me to where I am today and I wouldn't change a thing. All the months of complaining about my job sucking is all a moot point when I realize if I had found another job, I would have never met her, and now it was all worth it. I hope you are all finding yourselves in happy places with good people to share the happy times with. I pray for all of you my friends that you will persevere and that God will blanket your lives with his abounding love. You are all dear friends that I know personally and those that I met through cyberspace, and I thank God for you all as well. I must be going and getting back to my busier than usual life. It was great to share what's been going on with you all and keeping you up to date on my life and how God and my girlfriend have been blessing my continually. God bless you all, and I'll talk to you all again when I can. Oh, and Happy Saint Patrick's Day.
:: freak 9:30 AM [+] ::
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A lot has happened since I last posted. I found out the two reasons I had for not dating this girl. The first because I was not sure if she was a Christian. So instead of asking her, I assumed she wasn't. Well, we talked about it and she is, she even has a church that she regularly attends when she isn't working. The second reason, the little nagging one that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I finally found out to be a fear of commitment on my part. I addressed the situation and I am slowly overcoming it. We've been officially dating for almost a month. I really love this girl. She makes life bearable again. We've started going to church together. We went to Mardi Gras together the beginning of the month and I got to see C-4 and he got to meet my lit'l darlin'. I meet all of her family and we had dinner with her parents last week. They really like me. She's going to have dinner with me and my folks this Sunday, and I'm sure my folks will love her. She is so great, and she is way too good to me. I love this girl and I've never been happier. So there you have it. Talk to you all again soon when I can find time between work and my girlfriend.
:: freak 12:32 AM [+] ::
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A Life Torn Apart


voices of yesterday echo within my soul
reverberate against my failing insides
resounding quakes encompass my mind
dreams and desires whirlwind through me
passing glimpses of who I should be
fly by with tremendous speeds
unattainable by one's self alone
impossible to catch, it leaves me
further and further away it goes
I regress, slink back into the shadows
its familiar, darkness welcomes me home
tethered to life with fragile threads
I dare not attempt to release myself
grounded by an invisible wire I hang
strung perilously between two worlds
stretched in opposing directions, I ache
needing to cut free, but I remain trapped
unable, nay, unwilling to let go
holding fast to the life that destroys me
in the same instant wanting to shed these chains
flying up towards the sun, feeling the light
earthbound, heavenly aspirations, I break to pieces

:: freak 2:25 PM [+] ::
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Today I caught myself trying to justify God's love for me. Who am I to try to justify any actions other than my own, least of all God's? God just loves me because He does, and I need to accept that. His reasons are His own.

I've spent the past week in a deeper introspective state than I am usually in, because new things are coming to light. I'm learning, but still not utilizing my new knowledge. I live the same life I used to. I live a life that brings me closer to death by the minute, yet do not cease what I do. I thought things would be different when I got back home, but they are the same. They are the same because I have done nothing to change them. I still live as if I had never known God, but I should be living a totally different way.

Friends have been encouraging me and praying for me, for which I am thankful, yet I am stupid for not doing anything to correct the situation. It's kind of funny actually. When something is not working properly, the hard part is supposedly finding out the source of the problem, and then fixing the problem is usually easier. I know what I'm doing wrong, so the supposedly easy part is it fix what's wrong. But for humans, unlike machines, the hard part is actually fixing the problem, not finding out what's not working properly.

I think the reason I am so hesitant to change is that I know God wants to use me for something, and I am afraid of what it might be, so I refuse to change and grow so He can't use me. He'll find a way to use me anyway. I am selfish for not wanting to change for God. Maybe my faith in Him and fear of the unknown are so lacking that I otherwise would be excited at the opportunity to be used for something great. I really need to just love Him and change and grow because I love Him, and then it will all work out. If I search after Him with all of me, every single part of me, the rest will fall into place. That is where I am now, trying to overcome myself and my own desires, and give God all of me.

I want to thank all of you out there that are praying for me and encouraging me, because God knows I need all the help I can get. Your thoughts and words inspire me to keep trying, despite myself and my own desires. You are all very much appreciated and loved. Thank you all.
:: freak 2:09 AM [+] ::
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I'm sick of waiting for direction and guidance. I sick of being alone. I'm sick of this awful world. I'm sick of not following my own standards. I sick of letting my humanity dominate over my spirit and soul. I have been drinking, smoking, doing drugs, swearing, glorifying debauchery and sinful ways in speech to strangers, etc. I'm not living how God intended me or any other human to live. He gave us free will to choose our own path, so how can I complain about my life if it is my choices and decisions that got me here? The rut I am in, and the life that I feel is not mine, are results of my own doing. If anyone is going to get me out of this rut and live a life that fulfills me, it is me.

Our purpose as human beings is to have a relationship with God, and the bring glory to His name. If we choose to live for ourselves, then we reject God, and we will end up in Hell, which simply means, we will live for eternity in the absence of God's love. This is an unbearable doom. How can I sit back, sin endlessly, even glorify it to others, when it is clearly against our Creator's wishes? All He wants is for us to return the love He has shown us, and show that love to others. How can I sit back and watch those around me destroy themselves and not try to show them God's love. How can I sit back with my "fire insurance" and continue living the way I do. That is why life is crappy. That is why I am unhappy. Not because I am being punished. Not because the world is out to get me. Not because God hates me.

God loves me and that is why I feel this way, because I know deep down that I am not living for Him. It is my own fault, and this must be corrected immediately. I apoligize to the Creator of all and lover of my soul, for I have failed you. I'm going to try with all my might to be who You want me to be.
:: freak 8:04 PM [+] ::
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I have finally been captured by the feared and hated "rut". I'm stuck in this damn place with no foreseeable way out. My hopes and dreams have lost all momentum and meaning. My life is bland like unseasoned rice; no flavor and screaming for even the slightest dash of salt. I work, I exist, and I sleep during the rare occasions I get to. Life is lack-luster and severely wanting. Why even breathe? I have once again fallen from God and it doesn't seem likely I'll be going back to Him soon. I hate myself and mankind in general. Everyone is so damn stupid and they make no fucking sense. Why do they breathe? Why do any of us breathe? Is any of this worth the effort? There's got to be more, somewhere, but I sure as hell can't find it.

Maybe I'm depressed because I'm sleep deprived. Maybe I'm depressed because my dreams are dying and I'm running out of time. I'm running out of days. The world is coming down all around me, and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm just sitting back, smoking, and watching the view. Slowly killing myself with one of the two last legal drugs. At least I'm not drinking. It's too damn expensive anyway. I must sound like I'm giving up on life. I'm not. Life gave up on me. Now I'm just waiting for it all to stop.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of utter numbness. I don't really care anymore. Humor is fading. Blandness is overpowering what little flavor life had. It all tastes like paste now. What a sorry state of affairs we live in. I've been searching and researching things that I have always scoffed at, but now have my attention. I've been looking into unconventional ideas that never before made any sense, but now seem to be making perfect sense, even though most would think me crazy for opening myself to these possibilities. I wish I could explain, but until I have it figured out, I'm not going to open myself to ridicule. This is between me and the Almighty for now.
:: freak 1:50 AM [+] ::
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I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed, thinking about how I got here. I feel like a taxi dropped me off at a tourist trap and left before I could continue on with my travels. Like an indefinite layover in a strange airport and my flight just got canceled. I don’t know anybody here, and I’m far too shy to meet new people unless they make the first move.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I was sitting on a bench waiting for a bus that will never come. Anxious and scared, terrified that I might be stuck here. Impatient and antsy, I’m squirming under the self-imposed pressure. Occasionally I get up and stretch my legs and pace around, but only find myself sitting back down after awhile.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I was in a coma, and really living in a world only known in my own imagination. I live vicariously through my imagination and fantasies while my body goes through the motions of my real life unawares to me. These two lives are as separate as oil and water. When I try to stir them together, they just swirl and return to their original state.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I was about to stand up and leave to do something, but totally forgot what it was. So here I sit, trying to remember for the life of me what it was I was about to do. Confused and baffled, I retrace my steps in thought trying to remember what exactly it was I was going to do, but to no avail. What a conundrum life has become.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I were a stranger lost in a foreign land, trying with all my might to decipher the cryptic map written in a language alien to me. I can’t seem to find my way, and no one can help me. The language barrier is too great and no one seems to notice I’m lost. I’m trying to learn the language, but its all so impossible and overwhelming.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I were a stone gargoyle, perched on the edge of a tall impressive cathedral. I see people down below me, looking up at me, wondering what purpose I serve. I myself am wondering that very same thing. Why would someone create me, and place me here if there is no real function for my existence? Could I be serving a purpose and not even be aware of what that purpose might be?

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if the recipient of a broken heart. My heart cries out for healing, but the healing is coming too late and too slowly to save it. I dwell in my depression, living in a land of despair with no intention of leaving. I’m comfortable in my pain because I’ve lived in it so long. It’s where I feel welcome. It’s where I feel safe. I feel shielded from humanity here.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I were awaiting my lover. Heart pounding, soul yearning, awaiting her touch. My love runs deep and wide, and will never fade. Our shared love is the reason I breathe. My soul aches for hers. Life would be a mere shell without her life to fill it. Next to God, I love no one more than her. My passion thrives in her presence .

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I was a person ready to settle in for a long night’s sleep. Tired of moving, needing rest, and unaware of the outside world. I sort through my troubles and capture the racing thoughts in attempts to slow my mind to the point where I can finally fall asleep. Then I drift off into a dream world where I can resume living in my world of imagination.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I were a worker, with my much needed break just over, trying to build up the motivation to get back up and continue on with the ever boring, repetitive tasks of my job. Monotony and lack of motivation keep me from standing up. I just want to keep sitting here. I want to get out of here and do something new. I need a change of pace. I need change.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed as if I were the most boring person on the planet, terrified of the impending change that awaits me. I’m afraid of change and want everything to remain the same so I don’t have to adapt and accommodate for the new things that most assuredly will come to pass. I hate change and want nothing to do with it. I avoid it at all costs, and this makes me stale and boring.

I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed. I’m a neurotic, yet grounded. I’m passionate, yet I’m too afraid to act on it. I’m lost and alone, yet loved and found. I’m anxious, yet still terrified of what’s to come. I’m confused about life and my purpose in it, yet I have a purpose. I’m tired and unmotivated, yet an explorer. I’m waiting and searching for what’s missing, yet unsure of what exactly it is I‘m missing. I’m shy, yet want to meet new people. I’m scared, yet long for change. I’m a lover, yet without a soul mate. I’m a broken-hearted fool, yet my heart is healing. I have dreams, yet I’ve lost them and need to find them again. I’m a tired old soul, yet I’m an energetic child. I live in my dreams and imagination, yet live in waking life as well. I’m all these things, and more. I’m human. I’m a creation of the lover of my soul.
:: freak 3:24 PM [+] ::
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I simply love every single thing about autumn. The leaves slowly turning from green to various shades of yellow and red. The most wonderful smell of the leaves and the crisp air. The smell of sweet smoke from people's fireplaces and wood stoves. The crisp cool air, and swift breezes. The cloudless skies one day, and overcast the next. The warmth of the sun on your face while the cold air chills you. The loud crunch of the leaves breaking under your feet as you stroll through the woods. All these things wrapped up into one single moment of pure bliss. What could possibly be better?

To have someone to share this moment with. Someone to keep warm. Someone to hold. Some that loves me. Someone to love.
:: freak 2:02 PM [+] ::
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Well, I once again have quit smoking. Over 4 days now. Not as bad as the last time, but still fiending pretty good for a nicotine fix.

Life doesn't seem to be getting worse or better. Just stagnant. Momentary glimpses of dreams are coming and going like a stranger in a crowd, remember little and it soon fades. I had a good talk with a great friend about life any how we get to where we are. Didn't solve anything necessarily, but I did quit smoking again because of the conversation. I also had got back into things I should've left in the past because of a combination of extremely easy access and a general depression onset by many factors. Well, I have quit "that" as well. This one's hard to quit, but I have been doing very well at avoiding it when I can, and saying no when I can't avoid situations where it is present. I want to thank that person that I had the conversation with, as it has helped me immensely.

During the conversation, I saw a relationship with God in a new light. A fresh perspective if you will. I was talking about playing doubles at disc golf, when it dawned on me, that having a relationship with God is like playing doubles. See, when you play doubles, you both got a shot, and the better shot is taken, so when you are having a lull in your game, your partner can help you by playing a good game and can encourage you to keep your head up. And when you are on target, your partner helps you from getting an ego, and encourages you to keep on doing a good job.

See, I'm a disc golf addict. I play way too much, but through such a simple analogy, it all made sense about how our relationship to God should be. It is a partnership. He helps us through tough spots by encouragement, guidance, and by stepping up when we need help. He also supports us when we are doing good, and gives us praise and rewards. He is a friend. He is not some cosmic force that looks down on us and says bitter things all the time. He is here with us, and He loves us. When He sees us off doing what we shouldn't be doing, He gently tries to encourage us to go back to Him, and when we don't listen, He vigorously encourages us to go back to Him and rely on Him.

I just wish my heart wasn't so hardened and jaded. I wish I could thrive in His love rather than try to find things to fill the void where His love should reside. I want to accept that I'm not playing the best game, and ask Him for His help and guidance so I can better myself, not only for my own good, but ultimately for His glory. I read some more in my Bible this past week. I talked to Him a little about my future. He is still silent, but I think He wants me to change before I can continue on. I'm trying to change, but a lifetime of bad habits are hard to break. I need to rely on Him to help me through these rough times, where the world seems to be trying to swallow me whole.

He is, after all, my Savior. Yet I am afraid to let Him save me. I'm afraid to let Him in. I think its because I am so ashamed of myself. I don't want Him to hate me, for who I am. I want to be something different. Something worthy of Him. The fact is, He will love me anyway, and He is the only one that can help me to change. I need to search for His will and do it, and I will be truly free. When I can recognize His love and welcome it freely, and offer myself to Him, then I will be able to find joy in living. I want to enjoy living, and I want to live well. God help me.
:: freak 3:10 PM [+] ::
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